I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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