That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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