i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
