Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
