Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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