why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
