He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
