It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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