Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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