im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
