I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
