Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
