My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I skipped work to stalk him.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
