What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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