He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize