It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Randomize
