oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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