Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
