You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
