New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
