I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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