kristin has been a bad kristin
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
