i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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