my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
