Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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