Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
