dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Send help, water and tortillas.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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