Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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