He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
What a dumb baby whore.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize