I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just high enough for therapy.
50% drunk capacity currently
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
