I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
