Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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