One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
