At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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