just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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