considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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