Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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