Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
