My Higher Power is John Stamos
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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