Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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