don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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