JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
it glows. i had to have it.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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