If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
