the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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