Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
