Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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