I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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