8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
