Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
my phone needs a breathalizer
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
