i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
