Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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