There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We're too hungover to prance.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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