I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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