I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
