when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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