Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
