I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
